‘The Last Voyage of the Demeter’ review: Dracula dud sucks

Bram Stoker wrote “Dracula” 126 years in the past — in some way, Hollywood remains to be screwing it up. 

There have already been two “Dreck-ulas” in 2023. Again in April got here the unfunny “Renfield,” starring Nicolas Cage because the rely and Nicholas Hoult as his mistreated assistant. 

And now, as if we haven’t been bitten sufficient already, right here’s the brand new horror movie “The Final Voyage of the Demeter,” in regards to the vamp’s not-so-pleasurable cruise to England.

As at all times, Dracula sucks blood. However his newest film merely sucks.

Director André Øvredal’s uneven movie is predicated — as loosely as doable — on the captain’s log from Stoker’s 1897 novel, in regards to the doomed watery journey from Bulgaria to Whitby.

The film languished in improvement hell for years, and you must surprise why a lot effort and time went into it. 

Anyone with a kindergarten diploma is aware of that the expertise of watching Dracula regularly kill one sailor after one other in precisely the identical means aboard a medium-size vessel with just a few rooms would grow to be mind-numbingly boring.

And, oh, has it ever. Øvredal makes an attempt to beat the dearth of an engrossing plot by upping the gore, which has labored wonders for the “Evil Useless” films. However there’s no creativity or artfulness to this violence. The occasional bashed cranium earns a “So what?” 

Nothing about “Demeter” is horrifying, actually, regardless of the million “He’s behind you!” jump-scares liberally tossed in.

The filmmakers additionally attempt to increase the worry issue by turning Dracula (Javier Botet) into an unclothed Gollum-like creature with grey pores and skin and bat wings (the Netflix collection “Midnight Mass” did this in a a lot smarter means). 

At first look, we expect he’s a harmful legendary animal, akin to the Mothman. However then he whispers 4 phrases in English. So, one can solely conclude that he’s an unsightly, soft-spoken, cannibal nudist.

I’m not saying make him Grandpa Munster, however Dracula can be extra compelling and bone-chilling as a completely realized character.

The seafarers that Batboy torments by night time embrace Dr. Clemens (Corey Hawkins), stowaway Anna (Aisling Franciosi), Captain Elliot (Liam Cunningham) and first provide Wojcheck (David Dastmalchian). 

Each has a tiny motivation for being there. Clemens is an honest man who needs to earn a buck; the captain plans to retire to the coast after this crossing; Wojcheck will lastly inherit the Demeter; Joseph the chef (Jon Jon Briones) thinks that is punishment from God; and Anna is an outdated pal of Drac’s.

The actors do what they’ll, enjoying cinematic stick figures. Cunningham comes off greatest as a result of he brings the identical ethical authority that he did to Davos on “Sport of Thrones.” 

The forged’s general hollowness is basically the fault of Bragi Schut and Zak Olkewicz’s script — the characters’ blase perspective whereas in peril is confounding. We’re two-thirds by way of the film and several other deaths in earlier than anyone decides they need to discover the monster accountable.

Um, yeah!

At the beginning of the film, the Demeter is proven destroyed and washed ashore in England. So there may be, a minimum of, some solace in understanding that “The Final Voyage” is really the final voyage.