‘Dangerous Cinderella’ evaluation: A wacko storybook dumpster hearth on Broadway

What the ’ella?

For a musical with the drunken confidence to slap the phrase “Dangerous” in entrance of a basic title, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Bad Cinderella,” which opened Thursday evening on Broadway, doesn’t have a lot in the best way of ‘tude and swagger onstage. Or mind cells.

It’s a multitude with a number of persona dysfunction. From begin to end throughout this perplexing and sometimes boring fairytale spin — and, oh, does it spin — you’re by no means totally certain what you’re watching or why you’re watching it.

It’s half cutesy, Nickelodeon-style teen comedy: A vapid character remarks on somebody’s appears, “It’s giving peasant! It’s giving rags!” And Cinderella’s romance together with her geeky prince is lowered to a “buddy zone,” does-he-like-me miscommunication. The love story on the heart has no drama.

Then there are Lloyd Webber’s lushly orchestrated and tuneful ballads, which — all chandeliers apart — are why we come to any present by him. The great track “Solely You, Lonely You,” sung not by Cinderella however by Prince Sebastian (Jordan Dobson), is the one finest second of the musical, which is unlucky as a result of it occurs through the first 25 minutes. 

Cinderella’s “I Know I Have A Coronary heart (As a result of You Broke It)” and “Far Too Late” are fairly — the too-wordy lyrics are by David Zippel — however there’s no highly effective narrative construct to assist them soar like they need to.

Not excited by ballads or teen flirting? “Dangerous Cinderella” can also be a Chippendales strip present. A fun-enough horde of shirtless beefcakes referred to as the Hunks dance, thrust, do push-ups and carry weights. 

If you happen to’re confused, that’s OK. So am I. Collectively, the musical makes as a lot sense as “The Rum Tum Tugger” on an countless loop.

I first noticed the present in London again in fall of 2021, and for 17 head-scratching months I’ve been asking myself: What precisely makes Cinderella so unhealthy?

The edgy title is deceptive. With a horrible guide of meme quotes by “Promising Younger Girl” writer-director Emerald Fennell, “Dangerous Cinderella” is absolutely about society’s unfair magnificence requirements. However they couldn’t very effectively name it “Not-Blonde Cinderella.”

The musical is obsessive about appears: It’s set in a hamlet referred to as Belleville (lovely city en Francais), the opening quantity sung by its residents is “Magnificence Is Our Responsibility,” and the fairy godmother (Christina Acosta Robinson) is now a ridiculous magic-free plastic surgeon who sings a quantity referred to as “Magnificence Has a Value” earlier than she sort-of operates on Cinderella.

Appropriately, the sultry costumes by Gabriela Tylesova, higher than they had been within the West Finish, might conceivably be rented out to a “Magnificence and the Beast” porno.

Nonetheless, as a result of outcast Cinders is herself dressed like a supporting character from “The Mandalorian,” she is nicknamed “Dangerous Cinderella” by the nasty villagers. She’s a reject Hester Prynne, solely with a scarlet “B” and never sufficient persona or significant character growth to hold a 2 1//2-hour present.

Her one insurgent transfer comes at the start when she defaces a memorial statue of Sebastian’s older brother, Prince Charming, who has simply died in a conflict, with an indication that claims, “Magnificence Sucks.” They positively couldn’t name it “Good Cinderella.”

Within the title function, an interesting Linedy Genao tries to provide the woman some gusto. Each line is delivered confrontationally, even when it doesn’t make a lot sense to take action, however the materials is floss-thin and the character inherently lacks star high quality. 

That’s very true in her early track “Straightforward To Be Me,” the place Cinderella explains how she desires to maneuver someplace she could be herself and “the place no one will roll their eyes.” It’s a quiet, wishy-washy tune with out the burning need of “Some Folks” from “Gypsy” or “I’ll Know” from “Guys and Dolls.” Her life’s dream is a shrug — and so is her story.

After Prince Charming dies, Sebastian is pressured by his mom, the Queen (Grace McLean), to discover a spouse at a ball after which have a royal marriage ceremony. “Invite each woman within the kingdom, and cost VIP entry!” goes one of many lame traces. Seb and Cinders have been finest buddies since childhood, and he or she’s upset when he desires her to affix him on the get together “as a buddy.”

However Cinderella’s stepmother (Carolee Carmello) blackmails the Queen with sordid particulars of her previous to get the ring on considered one of her horrible daughters, Adele (Sami Gayle) and Marie (Morgan Higgins).

McLean and Carmello enjoyably yuk it up with supersize socialite personas; nevertheless, there’s not one huge chuckle on this whole present. “Dangerous Cinderella” is content material with playing around, not humorous.

Or significantly romantic. Cinderella and Sebastian spending their future collectively garners, at finest, informal help from the viewers, and the ending is full-on wacko.

Lloyd Webber’s music — some, not all — is the present’s redeeming component. The path and design left me chilly once more. Tylesova’s set of creepy roots and twigs is engaging, however feels miles away from, say, a whimsical cosmetic surgery scene or a gaggle of shirtless warriors getting cat-called.

And director Laurence Connor is not any Hal Prince or Trevor Nunn. He virtually by no means stops spinning his onstage turntable, in hopes of hypnotizing the viewers into really having fun with themselves. 

This isn’t Lloyd Webber’s worst musical. There aren’t any trains-on-roller-skates (from “Starlight Categorical”) and we fortunately don’t need to hearken to the track “Seeing Is Believing” (from “Facets of Love”) for minutes on finish. We’re not speaking “Love By no means Dies” right here. 

However Dangerous Cinderella would have been higher off staying house than going to the ball.